Kate Fox

Unicorns

Dear Citizens,

We’re being very honest with you here. We can’t afford to feed all the city unicorns anymore. We want to, we do, but central government haven’t given us enough money because the South’s spending it on ponies. I know we’ve all appreciated the joy and wonder unicorns have brought.  The sense of transcendence we all get when we see a flick of a white tail and tilt of an exquisitely turned spiral horn. That day the herd ran amok in Primark and showed us the true meaning of wilderness confronting consumer culture. The way we attract external investment with pictures of our amazing retail and leisure opportunities plus photos of herds of wild unicorn sweeping majestically across the convenient car parks.

We need to make the case in terms even a Tory government gets. Tell us the impact fewer unicorns will make on your wellbeing. What will it do to the eco system if they disappear from your neighbourhood? Might it have particular social and economic consequences if the packs are eradicated from specific areas? We will be maintaining a central unicorn park and are relieved to say 95% of the population will still live within 1.5 miles of a unicorn, but know it won’t be the same.

Anyhoo, look at our occasionally conversational language and chummy webchats. We’re trying. Here’s a reiteration of the most important bit of what we’ve said. It’s dying kids or unicorns- you choose, but it’s not our fault. Plus Eric Pickles wants us to destroy us like he destroys plate pies so we need your input more than ever.

We need you to suggest solutions. Volunteer unicorn feeding schedules? Adopt a unicorn, even sponsor a unicorn? (“Bernard’s Bras Give You the Horn!” etc, real opportunities there). Perhaps put them in allotments. It’s only turnips that make them rampage. None of us want to lose the benefits of our amazing unicorns. Don’t forget to be angry at central government. And honestly- HELP!

Yours

The Council

————-

Dear The Council,

Save Our Unicorns! Or we’ll tell the Guardian that you’re culling them all in a big Boxing Day hunt. Please find attached hundreds of personal testimonies about the importance of unicorns in our lives. You Philistines. We know you never liked them anyway.

The Writers

PS; Some famous authors, singers and Cheryl Cole have also written to the papers about their love of unicorns. You’ll be sorry.